nivelian

nivelian @ 2009-12-01T04:14:00

2009-12-01T09:14:48Z

In the middle of the night it's like all my thoughts come together. Not like I suddenly have clarity of mind, but rather, like all of *my* thoughts coalesce and become one. *I* suddenly exist again, out the ether. I'm starting to suspect this is the strange rebellion that is my insomnia. Only magically I have found a way to get paid to stay up all night, do what I love and also get to be exactly who I am with no interference or interuption.
In fact, I've come to resent talking to strangers. Even coworkers. I don't loath them, I loath my mouth, and it's constant moving. I like the night, where things are quiet and I don't have to perform social norms. I can quietly and joyfully sit in a chair, staring at the wall, being me. I think about what I'm going to name my kids. I think about the vegetables I will grow some day. I think about names for pets and ways to consider energy solutions. I think about building materials and poverty and I think about how far I have come in the years since I began this journal. I think about how nice it is to pay my bills, how delightful to pay them on time.
I think a lot about my body and how I relate to it. I've been trying to sort of the layers of muck and the multitude of thoughts and opinions I have about the body, my body, embodyment. Mostly I am trying to be present in my body, experience it as it is and not as perhaps external sources might experience it. I want to be I and not they.
I think about coffee in these late hours, and how rude I find most people to be. Then I feel sad because I realize how rude I become to stand among them, to fit in. I'm not sure how to like people. I'm not sure how to be with them.
In this night time world I do fun dances down dim halls, walk through shrines of other people's possesions and get lost in day dreaming about all the worlds gone before. This is a house of stories, this is a magic landscape at the most magical hour.
My residents tell me, " you're such a kind lady, you're so patient "
which is odd because I'm the most impatient person I know. I think the elderly make time stop. They make the world stand still. I like that.
I like it here at the bottom of the ocean. I don't want to go back to the surface. I want to stay where I'm a mermaid.
I want to remain in the depths, rocking in the deep heart of the tides.

nivelian @ 2009-11-30T02:57:00

2009-11-30T07:57:46Z

Once again this becomes the place I put all my secrets, the place I put the thoughts too sensative or volatile for the general consumption.
It's the enlightenment of working nights. In the day, around people, I am someone else, someone who is not me. I can't interact in society without trying to anticipate the needs of those around me and create harmony. I am incapable of making statements and actions that sow discord unless provoked.
So it's here, in the dead of night, with all my sleeping charges resting peaceful that my true face can surface. I pull out the complicated strands of thoughts I supress in the public and let them float around in my head.
Here in the throbing, pregnant silence the precipitates death, in this quiet, I find only what matters as everything "required" falls away.
And here it is.
No matter what you do in life, you are going to die. It is going to be slow and gross and undignified. Don't bargain or lie, pretending there is such a thing as a "quick death" there isn't. Death doesn't care about time. Dying takes an eternity no matter how quickly the hands on the clock move. And you haven't won by dying young, by not having to watch your body age and grow increasingly infirm. It is the pure brilliance of Kierkegaard when he tells us, "Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way. " Death, like happiness or satisfaction is a riddle we simply cannot puzzle out. There is no point, do or do not, you will regret it either way. You're going to die someday, stop trying to fight it. People you love are going to die, stop trying to stop it from happening. Let go, give in, find grace.
So the "why" I want to give back to those who question what may appear to them as my sudden and strange catholic conversion is this. All that matters in this life is what we do with the time left to us. In the sea of relativism there are still universal truths. Things so true we don't even have to label them as such because they simply are. It does not take an act of congress or a rocket scientist to figure out that one should strive be fair and honest and kind. We know deep in our insides to be kind and care for one another. So that's what I aim to do. That's what I want out of the rest of my life. I want to sit on my porch surrounded by children and foster children and geriatrics and rescue dogs, poor as a church mouse and blessed beyond measure. For the meek shall inherit the earth, and what a blissful reward such humanity is.
That is it folks, that is as complicated as it ever needs to be, fill your life with life and you will never be poor or cold or alone. When you fill your life with life, you cease to die, because only the self dies, but in love, the spirit is unleashed.
When you empty your pockets in the name of love, they are filled with grace.
So too is it with hearts and minds.

Here is to a lifetime of empty pockets.

nivelian @ 2009-10-10T09:01:00

2009-10-10T15:13:36Z

I live in fear every day. I work as hard as I can at my job where I do my best to hide my education and training so that I'm not ostracized. And I come home exhausted with no money left over for anything but the bills. I have great friends, they're helping me so much. So it hurts that when I go home for the weekend I feel like my parents have become mean and much worse unkind. They're helping me out too. They make my life possible, but at this moment the amount of searing anger and hate they're inspiring in me is appalling. I feel like I'm suffocating in the heat and flames of the carnage they're wreaking. I just want to run and hide from them and never be found.....

love's not lost, but thought better of

2009-10-04T02:18:10Z

He took up a space in my mind that was soothing. Perhaps even necessary for a time. I still think about him now and again. There is an ache that is not a loss or a yearning, merely an awareness of a faded intensity. And that is saddest portion of this truth, that I miss the intensity more than I miss the man. Because the inspiration of love is in the end more important that the people we end up loving. Having the capacity, and even more so having the passionate creativity of love flow through our hearts; shaping our lives, is paramount in human existence.

nivelian @ 2009-09-23T22:33:00

2009-09-24T20:10:32Z

Hurry home boy
cause I'm missing you
Hurry home boy
cause I'm waiting
Hurry home because it's time
all this wantin'
can't be no good

nivelian @ 2009-09-17T01:12:00

2009-09-17T07:16:16Z

I mostly try not to have Ant on my mind and things with Eric, well, they're spinning me like a top again so my heart opens up and pours itself out. I bleed, I heal, I find a song that puts it in to words, play it till the record wears out, and find a new band when I'm done. . . maybe I just find myself

I'm all washed out by the side of the road.
Broken bones Matilda left a note and a rose.
Saying "Baby honey child, I loved you so long but you deserve much better than me"

So I'm just burning all around.
All the miles in the road.
And I'm never going back.
And I'm never going home.
I've been gone too long.
I've been less right than wrong.
I've lost so much blood in the falling out.

And I lit a fire that wouldn't go out.
Until it consumed the walls and roof of this house.
Until all I remember was burning away.
And all I remember, you're burnin' away.

See for 10 long years I've been hustling around.
Tryin' to wash the sins and sweat from my brow.
Just trying to find a better life for me and my own.
Just some rest for these tired working fingers.

But nobody never gonna tell you the way.
You gotta figure it out boys.
And suffer the rain, and the fools in the night, and the heat of the day.
When all you ever really wanted was for someone to understand.

And I lit a fire that wouldn't go out.
Until it consumed the walls and roof of this house.
Until all I remember was burning away.
And all I remember, you're burnin' away.
Well don't you take it so hard and baby don't you cry.
You cross your hard heart and hope to die.
Don't you tell me no more lies, you lied all the time.
Don't you tell me no more lies, you lied every night.

And you're sugar and spice, and everything nice.
You got Monroe hips, your poison lips and knives.
And your sugar and spice, and everything nice.
You got open wounds in a young boy's pride.
[2x]

And I lit a fire that wouldn't go out.
Until it consumed the walls and roof of this house.
Until all I remember was burning away.
And all that you left me you're burning away.
Well don't you take it so hard and baby don't you cry.
You cross your hard heart and you hope to die.
Don't you tell me no more lies, you lied all the time.
Don't you tell me no more lies, you lied every night.

Time, time, tickin' away
Time, time, tickin' away
(All over your face)
Time, time, tickin' away
(All over my face)

nivelian @ 2009-09-14T22:47:00

2009-09-15T04:48:00Z

get angry
throw pots and pans and mayhem
I'm not going to flinch
I want to
but I've learned better
the only way out
is to stand my ground

nivelian @ 2009-09-14T22:44:00

2009-09-15T04:46:50Z

sometimes we don't write it down because it's better not to remember
one step, two step
my dreams don't hold me prisoner in my sleep like they did
when I couldn't wash your scent from my hair
Things aren't different now,
I'm not different now,
but
I don't need to become unrecognizable anymore
so that you can't find me.
Now I can sit on the porch
afraid of your return
but resolved
to stand the storm.

nivelian @ 2009-07-10T11:54:00

2009-07-10T17:54:44Z

one simple summer fades the asphalt
blacktop now gray

nivelian @ 2009-07-10T09:42:00

2009-07-10T15:42:14Z

skin so dry I can feel it crack when I smile
your eyes aren't as bright
as yesterday

nivelian @ 2009-07-10T02:42:00

2009-07-10T08:45:49Z

we're all looking for a home
at the beginning of the universe
we're all looking for the spark
the sets the flame in motion
I am
isn't as important as
I remember
I chew my finger nails down to the quick
sometimes reaching the origin is painful

nivelian @ 2009-07-08T14:20:00

2009-07-08T20:20:32Z

you keep hoping that every time you look back at it the past won't be there.

New seeds of ass

2009-04-29T03:53:01Z

Thomas Merton is like Brand writing the erotic stages of the diapsalmata. my head hurts. It also made me cry. I'm not really sure 100% what is up with that. parochial and patriarchal in this really upsetting way. I guess deep inside I want to scream and hit him about the head with his book, because he's so close, yet so completely misguided. Dylan also said he was accused of being a secret Nazi. I don't know if I would go that far, but he certainly borrows some from the tone. Funny, Hitler was so accessible, so very modern in so many ways. we often forget that racism only recently went out of style.

books referenced in this note

New seeds of contemplation - Thomas Merton
Either/ Or - Soren Kierkegaard
Mein Kampf - Adolf Hitler
Brand - Heinrik Ibsen

nivelian @ 2009-04-28T21:46:00

2009-04-29T03:46:42Z

And I sit right here
holding the years
and I count all the stars in the space....

all the love letters I've ever wrote myself, all the futures I've ever predicted
this one seems so impersonal and unexpected.
the familiarity
of this lack of saiety
is the only thing I recognize.

what's passed is present

2009-04-29T03:45:21Z

Long is the day, take it away
Hold it up and you don't let it fall
Cause devils play, was yesterday
And I don't care about that at all

I just smile, once in a while
Because I don't want the lines on my face
I sit right here, holding the years
And I count all the stars in space

You fall apart again and you can find a friend
Don't turn to someone else because they won't understand...

Self respect, goes unexpressed
I don't dream because I cannot sleep
And I think the world of myself
But the world doesn't think much of me
As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room
for your hand in mine

You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else because they won't understand
I don't want to hear
You say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me

No one's home I'm alone with my music and my tv
And I still say that yesterday is best when left to sleep

You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else because they won't understand
I don't want to hear
You say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me

nivelian @ 2008-11-14T23:24:00

2008-11-15T06:26:10Z

I don't think I'm better than you, I know it

nivelian @ 2008-10-29T01:33:00

2008-10-29T07:32:44Z

I didn't take my sleeping pills tonight
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me
I drank coffee instead
We keep running from these sentences
to spite you
How do you redefine something that never really had a name
I love you
Always have
Always will
Don't expect it to redeem us.

nivelian @ 2008-10-29T01:32:00

2008-10-29T07:31:52Z

Isomorphisms are studied in mathematics in order to extend insights from one phenomenon to others: if two objects are isomorphic, then any property which is preserved by an isomorphism and which is true of one of the objects is also true of the other. If an isomorphism can be found from a relatively unknown part of mathematics into some well studied division of mathematics, where many theorems are already proved, and many methods are already available to find answers, then the function can be used to map whole problems out of unfamiliar territory over to "solid ground" where the problem is easier to understand and work with.

nivelian @ 2008-10-22T23:34:00

2008-10-23T05:40:49Z

It's two o'clock in the morning and I am laying on the bathroom floor
bleeding
I wonder how I could have loved you so much
I wonder how it came this far
Had my head not broke the bed, the wall, the chair, my fall
how many more blows and throws and drunken I love you's
would I have lived through?
Cold and sticky tile give no answer
How could I let this happen? How did I get here?
How long will it take to disappear?
under ten tons of guilt, grief, loss and shame?
Bruises will fade, bones will mend, and my face can be replaced.
But who will live a life ungiven?
Because it's two o'clock in the morning
and I am laying on the bathroom floor,
bleeding
Singing a prayer for the dead
because my child has no future
but I do
and it has nothing to do with you

Tis the season

2008-10-11T10:02:07Z

Oh Fawn, I miss you. you'd be 32 now. You'd be drunk and off the smack and everyone would still love you. god you are precious.

Joerg, you fucker, but you knew that, you loved that. I'll never forget you. I carry you with me, always.

Craig, god dammit. You still make me cry, after all this time. I know you're here. Stop bothering me in the shower, it's pervy. Say hey to grampy, even if he doesn't return the favor. Find your peace, you're not alone. You were never alone.

M.S. take good care of him, my thoughts are always with you. Beloved. I will never forget. Thank you.

Dad, I'm not ready to loose you. make it through this. promise me. make it through this. You're my other half. I can't do it without you. Not yet, not ever. I love you.

and everyone else, stop fucking dying in the fall. it's overwhelming.

nivelian @ 2008-10-09T18:46:00

2008-10-10T00:47:32Z

"One of the original aspects of the noosphere concept deals with evolution. Henri Bergson (1907) was one of the first to propose that evolution is 'creative' and cannot necessarily be explained solely by Darwinian natural selection. L'évolution créatrice is upheld, according to Bergson, by a constant vital force that animates life and fundamentally connects mind and body, an idea opposing the dualism of René Descartes. In 1923,C. Lloyd Morgan took this work further, elaborating on an 'emergent evolution' that could explain increasing complexity (including the evolution of mind). Morgan found that many of the most interesting changes in living things have been largely discontinuous with past evolution, and therefore did not necessarily take place through a gradual process of natural selection. Rather, evolution experiences jumps in complexity (such as the emergence of a self-reflective universe, or noosphere). Finally, the complexification of human cultures, particularly language, facilitated a quickening of evolution in which cultural evolution occurs more rapidly than biological evolution. Recent understanding of human ecosystems and of human impact on the biosphere have led to a link between the notion of sustainability with the "co-evolution" [Norgaard, 1994] and harmonization of cultural and biological evolution. "

nivelian @ 2008-09-29T23:28:00

2008-09-30T05:29:49Z

I was made a mermaid,
now only a muse for other men's confusion.
Two tails in one mouth, a serpent and a story.
Which devours my words?
I was here once, a mermaid.

I love sex, I love my dog, but I don't have sex with my dog.

2008-08-15T06:36:22Z

"Every inquiry is a seeking. Every seeking gets guided beforehand by what is sought"

~ Martin Heidegger

I woke up delicious in the warm pulse of my own body. I blushed when I began to stir and pleasurable waves of soreness rippled through me. Vivid images flashed through my head and i realized that underneath my own clean scent I could also smell not just his, but our scent. I smiled and threw a pillow over my face, laughing out a groan at memories of my own wickedness. God I love sex.
Suddenly the memory of his curse rushes back.
"If we keep doing this, you're going to fall in love with me"
I become serious; tentatively I open my eyes and survey the room, as if love is a specter that might strike from a shadowy corner. No shadows, no love lurking. I relax.
I can see the ways in which this situation is ridiculous, but there is still a faint twinge of superstition at the back of my neck. What if he's right? I'd trust him if he told me I needed new spark plugs, I trust him to divide the check, I'd trust him if he told me to steer clear of bad people. It seems contrary to my nature to brush off his concern idly,and I haven't been in love for some time, perhaps I've forgotten what it feels like. I do a cursory check and wiggle in my well sexed skin. Oh yes, I like that, but no, no that's not love, still, let's check again just to see.... Okay, no more of that or the day won't start at all.
I swing my legs of the bed and pad to the shower, but the evidence of my frolic is written all through my thighs and hips. Every step I feel and I remember. Sensory overload, I get back in bed and masturbate. I'm still tender and torn in places, that just makes it novel; I cum with a vengeance. When I can think again I dimly wonder if this is how it starts, if the love sneaks in on the coattails of these sexual cravings. Suddenly I feel guilty for masturbating to him and tempting fate. I feel a little dirty; it turns me on. I masturbate again.
God I love sex
and when I'm done I lay in my bed flushed and ecstatic. I hug myself and smile a secret lovers smile.

I spend the rest of the day diligently looking for signs that I'm fall in love. Mowing the lawn, at the computer, dinner with my parents. I watch the sun set from my lawn chair playing hobbit and puffing my honey-apple hooka tobacco in great white clouds. Angus runs up to me and dances a joyful post dinner love story. I laugh as an ironic memory surfaces. Couples counseling, long before the divorce, that dimwitted woman, "I'd like you to tell me in your view what love is."
" Robster Craws " I tell her.
" What?"
I explain,
" My dog Angus, he has these webbed feet, we call them his Robster Craws, and when he's happy he spreads them open and prances at me. That's love."
She never understood, neither did Matt, but Angus got it, so I spread my fingers and dance back at him.

time immemorial

2008-08-03T19:29:17Z

we make truth like tea
just add water
naively believing our past is who we are
a life parenthetical
scared by faith
guts splayed across the floor
scrying through the contents of delicate innards
what does the future hold?

nivelian @ 2008-07-26T22:39:00

2008-07-27T05:05:16Z

Colt printed me out a beautiful Haraway Quote after I found " Introduction to Post Modernism " on his desk. He's ( ironically ) considering the history of consciousness program for his PhD.

There was a strange moment while I was reading where I realized that everyone who can't understand Butler is stupid. really, really stupid.

again scrabble is difficult